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As the summer has( ultimately) come upon us, so too has the time to take highly staged bikini photos while “relaxing” by the pool. Fucking duh. And no one does highly staged bikini photos loosening by the pond better than the thirstiest thots on Instagram. You know the ones Im talking about. The ones who pose totally candidly on a public beach with their areolae( that’s the plural form of “areola” btw) practically on display and caption the photo Happy Memorial Day!* coughing* Ariel Winter* cough* TBH, Ive learned a lot from thots over the years, like which facial expressions will build me look the most like a newborn prostitute( important) and that the time limit to extra-ness does not exist. But if theres one thing I can take away from their daily cries for help Instagram accounts, its how to take a burn bikini selfie. So lets examine a few key poses that will definitely land you a place afterward in my group chat devoted to shit-talking and also probs a u up? text from your ex. K? Lets get started.

*** Please note : strong> by selfies I dont mean, like, actual pictures you can take yourself. Youll one hundred percentage require a loyal friend and/ or fellow shameless person to take these pictures. Obviously.

1. The Vag Flash Pose

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On any committed day Ill find Ariel Winter demonstrating she has daddy issues posing half-nude on Instagram and captioning it with shit that is irrelevant to the fact that I can practically consider her vaginal lips on my Instagram feed. Like, does Instagram not have rules against soft porn? Or does that not apply if youre extra? Sighs. Anyway, apparently Ariel likes to call herself a role model for young girl, and if by role model she means showing them how to pose for the nudes they send their boyfriends then, yes, she utterly is one. The Vag Flash is a classic pose if youre looking to have people mistake you for a porn sun. Happens. They key here is to widen your legs as much as possible so your thighs seem thin AF and also to leave your morality and human decency at the door. God bless ya, Ariel.

2. The Let The Boobs Do All The Work Pose

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This one’s for all my lazy betches out there. If you want to literally do the bare minimum( hi) then youre gonna wishes to hit up Emily Ratajkowskis Instagram for inspiration, because she is a master at seeming hot AF while doing nothinga purpose we all strive for in life. Basically you only stand there with your tits out and call it a day. Classic. The key to perfecting this pose lies heavily with your swimsuit choice. Go with a deep V one piece or something equally slutty for maximum Instagram likes a “boats and hoes” aesthetic that will attain your adherents friends v jealous of your body and their own lives. Personally, this is my go-to. I will always prefer any option that allows me do zero operate while also demonstrating a maximum sum of cleavage. Severely, every time. I am so blessed.

3. The Use Your Friend As A Prop Pose

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Ohhh, Bella, Bella, Bella. You are literally one pace away from a sex tape. Kidding! Im sure she already has a sex videotape. Does anyone remember when Bella was just the beautiful bitchy daughter from whose most riling trait was posting route too many #mcm posts about her Disney star boyfriend? And, like , now she refers to herself as a yung smurf and fucks Scott Disickin foreign countries. Oh how the mighty scarcely famous have fallen. I was rooting for you, Bella! We were all( and by all I entail children under age 14 and myself) were rooting for you! But even though Bella is clearly employing bath salts going through something, she still appears damn good in her bikini selfies. Her favorite pose is to use whatever pal shes dragged along on her drug-induced vacations as a prop. Just look at the above picture, it calls omg we are so much fun HA HA HA HA … but also this ass though. You arent fooling anyone, Bella. But, I mean, what are friends for if not to shamelessly use and abuse for Instagram likes? Hmm?

4. The Music Video Hoe Pose

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I have learned so much from Corinne in the short time I have known her shes been famous. Like, you can be your own sugar daddy if you want to( as long as your real daddy is loaded) and if you dress Nick well enough, you wont even notice his lisp. Shes v wise, that one. But the most important thing shes taught me is how I, too, can go from a simple background hoe in a 2 Chainz music video to an Instagram “influencer” in a few short years. Bless. The thing I love about Corinne is that she blatantly poses on Instagram and DGAF about looking natural or candid. Case in phase: her above music video hoe pose. Does that shit look natural to you? Of course not. But does she look good AF doing it? Absolutely. The best part is, its v easy to replicate. You basically merely lie there and try and look sexy, an field I have tons of practice in, as this is low-key also my strategy in the bedroom.

5. The Lounge Pose

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In case you dont be acknowledged hoe, Anastasia Stassie Baby Karanikolaou is a coveted member of The Plastic aka Kylie Jenners daughter squad. And I dont mean plastics as a reference, I intend these bitches are literally made of plastic. But thats neither here nor there. Stassie is the reason I dislike beautiful people on Instagram. This bitch is literally always lounging. On a boat. On a chair. On a beautiful man. And, like, same daughter. I, too, lounge, but on something thats more within my cost scope. Like the lounge. Be forewarned though, this pose isnt for the average betch. Youll need to, like, actually know your angles and shit. The key is to slightly perch on an objecttoo much of a perch and you might realize belly rollings, but too little of a perch just attains you look like youre awkwardly standing. Youll also want to widen your legs ever so slightly so you can fake a thigh gap and appear thin AF.

6. The Look Back At It Pose

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If theres anyone whos perfected this pose, its Hannah Rathbun, aka one of the beautiful morons from my favorite garbage television indicate, For a girl who couldnt find her perfect match to save her life( lol, recollect when she thought it was Chuck ?), she actually knows WTF shes doing when it comes to bikini selfies. Her favorite pose is one I like to call the look back at it pose. The key here is to stand at a slight slant, with your front-facing leg propped up a little bit so your ass is on full showing. Then coyly look over your shoulder like this is so spontaneous and your best friend hasnt been crouching in the fucking sand for the last 10 minutes taking pictures of your blessed ass from every angle imaginable. Bonus points to Hannah for tattooing a crescent moon on her ass for optimal whimsical-themed photos. I admire your commitment to Instagram, I really do.

7. The Bambi Pose

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Last but not least, we have the bambi pose, which is apparently the pose of summer 2017 but Kylie has been doing this shit since she was 12 for years. This pose is easy AF to pull off, you literally merely sit here and kneel and make a face like a babe prostitute. TBH, I would expect nothing less from Kylie. She will literally do anything to show off her ass, including posing in this way that it looks like you might actually have a bowel movement at any second. I entail, merely look at her Instagram account. I am genuinely concerned that no one has ever properly taught this girl how to sit in a chair. Instead of just putting her ass on a seat like a normal human she does this weird draping movement that, surprise, highlights her ass. But, like, dont belief for one second that I dont also weirdly drape my body over chairs now so that my ass looks amazing. Dont get it twisted.

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