1. Not Bring A Gift
I wish I didnt have to say this, but here we fucking are. These people, or their parents at the least, have invested a shit ton of money for your ass to be there so like, bring a damn present. You dont have to go nuts and like, buy a $500 Japanese bayonet set so your sorority big can fillet a fish like Morimoto, but come on. You can put 50 bucks in an envelope. Trust me, when its your become youll wanna murder the ones who came and drank all your booze and didnt give you jack shit.
2. Eat Too Much
Tbh, the meat is paid for so its not like this is tacky or rude, but this is just general advice to live by when youre dressed up and trying to look hot in front of old friendsthe same friends you’re trying to convince that you’re perfectly happy being single. No one wants to see a girl in an LBD with a intestine. Not to mention, theres a photographer somewhere operating rampant taking candids and you dont wishes to get a astonish photo tag in a month or two of you stuffing your is confronted with prime rib.
3. Get Overly Emotional
You and the bride are likely to have nailed “Wagon Wheel” at karaoke sophomore year, but thats no reason for you to fucking sobbing during the ceremony, first dance and toasts. Like, calm the fucking down, Denise. First of all, you appear crazy and youre messing up your makeup. Second of all, we all realize right through it. Are you weeping because youre merely SO happy for the new Mr.& Mrs. or is it more because you just turned 29 and your grandmother mentioned your eggs succumbing at a saloon mitzvah last weekend? I think we all know its the latter
4. Try To Match The Bridesmaids
It doesnt get much more pathetic than this. The bride didnt care enough about you to put you in the wedding, so you shouldnt try to make yourself look like a bridesmaid understudy by matching the color palette. Just wear something tight and black and keep it moving. Don’t embarrass yourself.
5. Freak TF Out Over the Bouquet
Also under the category of Thirsty AF is the broad who loses her fucking brain over catching posy. Before I even get started with how insane you look, lets talk about the fact that thats the stupidest tradition of all time. Catch a sheaf of flowers and your fuckboy pseudo-BF will all of a sudden feel compelled to marry you? Yeah. Probs not. And then the creepy stranger that catches the sweaty applied garter puts it on you? Fucking gross. Anyway, when you push all the other single dames out of the route and lunge for the posy, everyone thinks youre more desperate than Ginnifer Goodwin in a rom-com and your date is going to start putting together an flee scheme asap.
6. Be The Biggest Lush There
You will never in their own lives read an advice column of mine that says dont drink too much. IMO, theres no such thing. Live your true. The key at bridals is to simply not be the drunkest person out of everyone. No one remembers the girl that was kinda plastered but not just as much someone else. So pound a few glass of pinot and a signature cocktail or five, but merely keep your eye on the best man or the FOB and stay a couple sips behind at all times.
7. Wear Something Trashy and/ or White
The white thing should go without saying, but Im only putting it there so all my basis are encompassed. Its non-negotiable. Do not do it. Also, blush, tusk, champagne, eggshell, and any other colouring that youre probably wondering if it counts is a no too. Next, and less obvi, is wearing something slutty. In addition to saying dont drink too much, I will likewise never say dont seem hot and steal the display. You should always do that. Nonetheless, you dont wanna look like youre trying to upstage the bride. It should look like youre not even trying and youre simply naturally that attractive. Frankly, if you took this advice and applied it to everything, it wouldnt be a horrible idea.
8. Pressure Your Date to Marry You
Okay, merely because your bestie since middle school just got married doesnt mean you and your S.O. are ready for that shit. I get it. You start to catch the feelings and youre not used to that so you assume it means you wishes to get married, move to the suburbiums and start their own families. This is a lie. Take all those emotions and discount the shit out of them until youre sober and the bridal sensations are long gone. If after at the least a few weeks, you still wanna throw your life away get married, maybe try to talk about it. But chances are youll come to your senses.