Unfortunately, streaming services cannot magically come to life and date you. We dont have the technology. Elon Musk, were counting on you. But if we did live in a cosmo where streaming services were “the mens” in your life, heres who they would be 😛 TAGEND
NETFLIX – Your Ride Or Die
When all other men have failed you, your Netflix bro is always there to pick up the parts. Sure, sometimes after a weekend of non-stop hanging you feel like youve gone through everything he has to offer, but do a little digging and inferno always have something unexpected for you to latch onto. Youve known your Netflix bro for yearsmaybe you were even introduced to him by your parentsand have put so much effort into its relations with him that he always knows exactly what youre craving, even when you dont. You seem comfy sharing him with their own families, friends, and even remote friends-of-friends-of-relatives because your relationship is so rock solid. Sure, you may wander a little bit and focus on a series that he cant provide you (* cough** cough *), but you know youll be back spending all day in bed together sometime soon. Honestly, likely within the next 24 hours.
HBOGO – Sugar Daddy
Your HBO Bro is the older, richer equivalent to your Netflix ride-or-die. You hit him up any time youre kind of meh on your Netflix bro and wishes to concoction things up a little bit by pretending to be a rich housewife with a baller cable bundle. Sure, HBO Bro is into some weird shit and candidly can be a little intense. Like, Im tryna chill and drink Champagne right now , not listen to a three-hour in-depth explanation of the crisis in Syria, but you know if you hit him up infrequently then youll always be able to find something the two of you can connect on. You keep your HBO bro in your rotation for the two or three times a year where he really shows up and takes on you on an amaaaazing date that Netflix bro could never furnish, like a roundtrip ticket to or a weekend away with Reese Witherspoon and her friend group in Monterey.
HULU – Friend Zoned Bro
Poor, sad Hulu Bro. You know hes there. He knows you know hes there. Any time you come to visit his page he gets so excited, literally imploring you to subscribe. One period when youre desperate youll give this guy a spin, but you know after 30 days when he ultimately asks you to commit youre going to GTFO with some inexpensive line like, Sorry Hulu, but Im just not over Netflix. This dude is in your life for when you are in the mood to watch something, anything, but hes never going to be long haul. And candidly, youve already seen everything he has to offer. And sure, your parents enjoy him because of all the re-runs, and every once in a while inferno surprise you with something chills like, but in the end you know that any time youre reaching up Hulu Bro, its because every other bro on your list has failed to respond.
Amazon Prime – The Nice Guy
This is the guy that your friends are let me tell you something you need to get into, but something about him attains you feel like the price is merely too high. Sure, your friends are constantly telling you about how much easier their life is with him in it, but you’re just not sold, and candidly, content-wise, this dude is just not pulling his weight. Humankind In The High Tower? Wtf is that? Maybe you and him will go on got a couple of dates, but you’ll ultimately bow out after the first night when the sex is kind of meh. Still, you appreciate that he likes all of your instas to this day and you’ll always consider reaching him up again the next time you need some d ASAP( one day delivery !) or get the urge to give Transparent has another season. Basically, he’s just your median nice guy who seems like the total bundle but ultimately fails to deliver.
YouTube – Manwhore
Well if it isnt the dirtiest dick in township. If youre watching presents on YouTube its because you have truly reached the end of your rope. Maybe its summertime and youre unemployed and in a slutty binge-watching phase, or perhaps youre just really desperate, but you do not made YouTube Bro up if quality is what youre go looking for. Hes the type of bro that takes you on a date to the worst dive saloon in “the worlds” or like, fucking McDonald’s, and when time comes to pay the check he realizes that he left his wallet in an Uber. You then invest the next 3 hour going down some weird, dark rabbit pit with him and come out the other purpose having just watched five hours of 9/11 truther videos and wondering what went wrong. For some strange reason, you continue him in your phone and hit him up every 6-8 months when youve( once again) made rock bottom and just need recreation, but “youve never” tell anyone about him, and on the rare occasion you do ensure him out in public, you look away and pretend “youve never” met.
SEESO – Who TF Is He?
If you read the word Seeso and imagined, wtf is Seeso? thats precisely who the Seeso Bro is. Hes that dude who you always forget when making a mental list of all the guys youve hooked up with in your life. Then one day youll be scrolling through your photo stream looking for TBTs and ensure one blurry, pixelated pic of the two of you at a saloon and is just like, omg THAT guy ?! Who was that guy ?!? I think he was funny or something? I candidly cant remember