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While casually perusing the internet this week, I had the misfortune of stumbling upon an article from the entitled, “Hamptons Bachelors Are Getting Vasectomies So Gold Diggers Cant Trap Them“. I pause. I look around. Is it April Fools? Is this a fucking joke? Surely this is some kind of satirical statement about what the world would be like if the Trump agenda continues to pass? Right? RIGHT ?!? I click. No. Sadly, such articles is real. Too real. And there actually are multiple grown-up adult men who think that women who vacay in the Hamptons( aka us) are doing so in order to was pregnant and have their shitty rich guy children. Vom.

From the very first convict, such articles lets you know exactly what type of bro would get a preemptive anti-gold digger vasectomy 😛 TAGEND

Okay so like, as far as I can tell there are upwards of 100 things wrong with merely this sentence alone. First and foremost, can someone confirm to me that this male modeling who says hes in his thirties and get dick surgery to avoid condoms named Scott is not actually Scott Disick? This could 100% be Scott Disick.

Secondly, told me that he in his 30 s is a very strange style to describe someones age. Does the author have reason to believe that Scott is not, in fact, in his 30 s? Im portrait a 60 -year-old in a flat brim hat screaming about how he maintains meeting gold diggers on The Tinder, and think that Scott does not provide a photo of himself here( likely for the best ), Im going to go ahead and say that I am 100% correct.

Other problems with this sentence include, but are not limited to: the use of the words unattached hunk, which attained me want to gouge out my eyes, and the fact that potential future infant support payments are the only reservation this 30 -( read: 60 -) year-old man has with having unprotected sexuality with women he barely knows.

Scott, if youre reading this, you have HPV. I dont know this, but I know this.

Now, while genuinely every part of this article is a nightmare freakshow from fuckboy hell, Ive chosen a few key proportions to highlight the many, many problems presented here by at least five men, all of whom should be deported and sent to live on that island made of junk in the Pacific.

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First, theres this sentence, which will haunt me until the day I succumb 😛 TAGEND

Okay so this definitely is Scott Disick. Tarzan with light eyes? What the fuck is that? In no universe is it okay for a human to describe himself this style( unless hes committing his contestant bio, in which suit, anything runs)

So lets break down this math. White Tarzan hooks up with 10 ladies per summer, and of those ten at least two of them( 20% I know math) are attempting to trap him with their ovaries. Interesting hypothesis, Scott. I would like to now provide a counter-hypothesis: youre a fucking dumbass.

Heres what I see a conversation with Scott would be like 😛 TAGEND

WOMAN : strong> Hey, are you in line for the bathroom?
SCOTT : strong> Wow. Okay. Um. Im actually not interested in a relationship right now, but thank you.

The article then introduces us to Matt, a 41 -year-old divorced Park Slope resident who works in media and drives a Jaguar convertible. Please excuse me while I grab my vibrator. Cant see anything sexier than a 41 -year-old divorc who lives in Brooklyn and has a auto. Where would I ever find such a trophy?

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Matt got his preemptive vasectomy in four years ago in May, to ensure that his penis was exhaustively useless by the time summer went around. What poor Matt doesnt realize is that his penis was useless all along. The call is coming from inside the house, Matty.

According to Dr. David Shusterman, the only human so sad and pathetic that he actually set his real epithet in this junk, these men

This doctor known to be maternity takes the work of two people to pass, right? Like its not something ladies do to men out of indignation. In this scenario, youre not being accused of parent an unwanted baby. You merely actually fathered an unwanted baby because you stuck your big money diamond dick unwrapped into a woman youve barely met. Thats why it happened. Its not a trap. Its science. How are you a medical doctor?

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Dr. Shusterman adds that these men are also doing an analysis of cost because the price of a vasectomy is ultimately less than what theyd have to pay if they got someone pregnant. Um, okayyall know what else is pretty cheap? Condoms. Real inexpensive. You can buy a shitload of them on Amazon and fuck as many girls as you crave. Its kind of magical, really.

Then Dr. Shusterman adds,

And for the above reasons, Dr. Shusterman is now cancelled. Sorry Dr. Shusterman. Its time for you to go back to the house, pack your things, and go home.

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Moving on

34-year-old bachelor John( who asked to have his epithet changed for reasons that will become clear in a moment) says that last summer a woman drew a fast one on him where reference is caught her trying to artificially inseminate herself in his bathroom with the remnants of their used condom.

Okay, pause.

What the fuck kind of women is John hooking up with? The average twenty-something Hamptons goer( aka me) is not usually in a place where getting pregnant is even in the top 10 of your to do list. If a woman is at the Hamptons hooking up with rando rich guys, shes likely looking for access to his liquor cabinet and the possibility of being take pics by his pond. Thats it. Do these guys really think that young, hot womenwho, btw, given sufficient fund to be vacationing in the Hamptons without trapping men into lifelong infant support paymentswant to destroy their lives, and more importantly, their vaginas, by having their shitty kid? I belief not. Also, and I wouldn’t set it past a group of rich caucasian Tarzans not be informed about this, but there is a little thing called the GOP healthcare bill that is going around, which the CBO estimations would raise maternity coverage by so yeah, getting pregnant isn’t this biological piggy bank that ladies can break open at any time. It actually us money.

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How much do these dumbasses really belief their child support payments are worth? Im not saying that there arent ladies out there desperate enough to do such a thing( I’ve heard it’s a pretty good way to become First Lady, actually) but this is not the norm. The idea that these guys are encountering multiple ladies per summer who are sneaking off into the bathroom and turkey basting themselves that are intended to trap men into fatherhood frankly mentions more about where theyre going to pick up ladies than it does about the women themselves. Like , where are you meeting these women? RussianEscorts.Com?

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Heads up, dudesif ya girl first approached you on a street corner and told you that her epithet was Candy Crush, shes likely not “off work, ” if you know what I entail.

Literal prostitutes aside, I highly doubt there are this many women in the Hamptons looking to get knocked up. Having a baby isnt like…easy for women. Its not like they just have the thing and use all the child supporting fund to go on trip-ups. They use the money to create a fucking baby for the next 18 times. Nobody is like, Chances are, if you get one of your random Hamptons hookups pregnant she is just as upset as you are. Actually, likely more upset because now she has to deal with your dumbass for the rest of her life, or at least has to go through the difficulty of sending you a Venmo request for half the cost of an abortion.

So to Matt, John, Scott and all the other men who contributed to this article, I belief I speak for all women when I tell: You can go shave your back now. K Bye.

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