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Good morning, imbecile hookers, and once again congratulations for constructing it to Thursday, which is basically Friday. Its officially( almost) the end of another long AF week and Ive spent the last few days avoiding answering study emails in favor of Googling how to marry rich. Classic. For those of you who arent living in the city that never sleeps with the same person twice, New York can be like, v hard to meet people. Specially if youre aiming higher than a fuckboy on Bumble. NYC is supposed to be the land of possibilities and one of those possibilities should be landing your own wolf of Wall Street. You know, if your wolf looks less like Leo Dicaprio and more like Chuck Bass with a father bod left over from college and a casual coke problem. A girl can dream.

Tbh finance bros arent genuinely my form. My criterion for guys is lowermore like drunkest guy at happy hour. Plainly, my mother is v proud. But because I value my journalistic obligation like to drinking I still definitely hang out at saloons where the finance bros meet to booze overpriced brew and whiskey. So heres a list of the best saloons to lock down a finance bro husband so you never have to pretend to love your job again.

1. Dorrian’s Red Hand

Place: Upper East Side

Type of Wealth: He probs has a trust fund

Contrary to what contributed us to believe, the Upper East Side is not actually the be-all and end-all of the New York social scene. Sorry, B, but Im gonna have to does not agree with you on this. Because, yes, there are finance bros who Serena probs drunkenly slept with in the 10 th grade that hang out there but those guys are likely likewise like, 40. Or they act 40. Either behavior, I did not sign up to get shitfaced and likewise talking here where I suppose the stock market is moving this year. Jesus. Just tell me Im pretty and buy me a drinking. Thats literally all it takes.( Again, my mother is so proud .) In example you need me to paint a clearer painting for you, you know that guy with the father bod and casual coke problem that I mentioned before? Thats the type that frequents Dorrians Ruby-red Hand. The form thats posted up by the bar 3-4 days a week booze over-priced whiskey sours and talking about his boarding school exaltation days. Hurry, girls, get him while hes still single!

2. The Jane Hotel

Place: West Village

Type of Wealth: He could be related to Chuck Bass

The West Village/ Chelsea “re gonna be all” the best hunting ground for rich AF husband material. Something about the low-key modelings running around in athleisure gear taking their damn time in the Starbucks line at 9am merely screams fund. Idk why. And the Jane Hotel is a staple among the rich and the kind of boring. You know its boujee AF because theres a fucking dress code to get in and champagne is like, $12 a glass. Continuing with the analogies here, the Chuck Basses of “the worlds” def frequented The Jane. But like, season one Chuck Bass who wore an unreasonable quantity of Ralph Lauren sport shirt and tried to low-key rape high school newcomers. Charming.

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3. The Ainsworth

Location : strong> Chelsea

Type of Wealth: He bought elections to win his frat’s presidential election

First of all, the vibe of this place is simply confusing. Theres like, chandeliers and shit but likewise dudes in button downs aggressively drinking brew and watching. I can frankly tell Ive only ever been to this bar once and it was on St. Patricks Day when I was blackout celebrating the Irish spirit, which tbh are truly the best situations for feeling out a mob. For example, I watched a grown man in a nice suit wait in line for 15 minutes for the WOMENS BATHROOM. Which should speak to the intelligence of the bars clienteles and likewise how much that mob likes to drinking. That tell me anything, he likewise looked like the kind of guy who would offer to pay for more than merely a shot of Fireball or the shittiest brew on tap so, like, I was here for it. I suppose this is the kind of bar where that 19 -year-old with a really great fake that you met at Houston Hall one time moves when he grows up hits 25 and has a crisis of conscience. Hope to see ya soon, buddy!

4. PJ Clarke’s

Place: Chelsea

Type of Wealth : strong> He casually owns a boat

I had to include another outdoor bar because I so enjoy day booze for the Insta. Not only does this bar assure you a new riverside profile pic, but it also secures you a lot of time spent in the company of men who wear shit like this 😛 TAGEND

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Sadly, Id likely hit that with the right amount of alcohol in my system.* giggles uncomfortably* Similar to The Frying Pan, theres definitely a preppy Southern vibe here but unlike at The Frying Pan, these people aren’t fronting to be rich assholes because actually are rich assholes. Definitely hit this place up on summer Fridays and be sure to wear your sluttiest pastels. This mob will eat that shit up.

5. Brother Jimmys

Place: Midtown East

Type of Wealth: Hell offer to split the rent with you in Jersey

Andddd were back to this hell pit of an establishment. In a previous post I mentioned that this bar is a place where New Jersey commuting douchebags hang out and likewise perhaps Trump supporters. Well, in a complete and totally expected turn of events, these Jersey commuting assholes and worshipers of a human Cheeto likewise work in finance. Its genuinely a special place. If you go there, prepare to expend a fuck ton of fund on a very shitty vodka soda and have forced conversation with some guy trying to sell you on coming back here to his place in HOBOKEN. Look, I have nothing against Hoboken. I once dated was in a Snapchat relationship with a guy who lived in Hoboken who was always mentioning stuff like its not that far but I’m pretty sure New Jersey Transit is involved and I do not fuck with that. Okay, so I may have built that last part up. I could be the PATH? Truthfully, I have no idea how you get to Hoboken but I presume it’s about as traumatic as the one time I did try to take New Jersey Transit and got lost by the TGI Friday’s in Penn Station. Regardless, theres only so far Im willing to take my hoe ass and I depict a hard line at the New York nation perimeter.

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If all else fails you are able to stray down Stone Street. Its the mecca for after-hours finance dudes looking to forget the fact that their 200 K+ salary wont replace their personalities. Youll know youve found the place when you find a group of sad seeming guys in suits drinking tiny cocktails that cost the same amount of money as my share of the cable bill.

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