PinExt - The News Is Making You Psycho, And So Are The Stars: Weekend Horoscopes June 2-4

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In case you were on day three of your MDW hangover and unable to check the news yesterday, America is going down in flames. Trump pulling out of the Paris Agreement is quite literally the first scene of a movie where Bruce Willis has to save the entire world from an asteroid by blowing himself up to the musics of Aerosmiths I Dont Wanna Miss a Thing. Yeah that was a shameless Armageddon plug. No one can stop me, were all going to die.

Theres nothing we here at Betches enjoy more than a good apocalyptic crisis, because no one questions you when you pop up a bottle of wine at your desk at 9:30 AM. Or vodka. The world is your oyster, kids.This weekend, fully embrace the inevitable end of the world by simply utterly ruining their own lives, and let your sun sign say to you exactly how to do it.

Aries

Yesterday the hot and wholly sane president of France invited American scientists to move to his country so we can all try and save the world before the oceans engulf us all. Guess what, Aries? The stars crave you to go. Seriously. Book a flight this weekend, and dont look back. But before you go, draw a and destroy all your enemies. Just be sure to actually leave when its done. Eat an extra baguette for me, please.

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Taurus

Have you ever would like to know how much wine you can guzzle before you simply succumb, Taurus? Of course you have. We all have. I literally should be considered this once a day. Satisfy your unquenchable thirst for knowledge and booze by testing that theory this weekend. Pros: Because you will be dying afterwards, you dont need to worry about finances. Blow literally all of your fund on the eight bottles of wine youre about to absorb. Cons: Dying before Florida is eventually swallowed by the rising sea levels. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Gemini

This is the weekend you fully embrace your duplicitous nature, Gemini. Outcomes are a thing of the past, just like fresh air and the polar ice caps. Spend the next two days stirring up just as much shit as you possibly can. Speak only in lies and condescension. If you must tell the truth, let it be a horrible belief youve been holding in for multiple times. Let the world feel your rage, because pretty soon it wont be able to feel anything.

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Cancer

All anyone talks about is how emotional you can get, Cancer. Tbh, they arent wrong, but why bother with pretenses anymore? This weekend, release every feeling inside your fragile, temperamental torso. We all know youve been writing them down since you were capable of holding a pen, all leading to this momentous occasion. Invite all your friends over under the ruse of a party, and then once they arrive lock the doors and windows Lannister-style. Except, instead of murdering them, you can just tell them all how you really feel about every single thing thats ever happened to you. Lets be real, slaying would be preferable.

Leo

Youve been known to ignite a bridge or two or a hundred, Leo. Its cool, weve all done it. But have you ever was just thinking about taking your art to the next level and burning literally every bridge in their own lives? Sounds promising right? This weekend , no relationship is safe. Lifelong pals, significant others, mothers: cut them all. Sounds lane harsh right? Thats because it is, but itll be less people you have to mourn where reference is all succumb in the campaign for natural resources.

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Virgo

Sometimes you can be a bit uptight, Virgo. Its cool, we all used to be uptight when the air was clean and sea was readily accessible, but no more. Embracing this Mad Max era were living in by running buck wild this weekend. Whatever you do, make it as illegal as is practicable. Some thought starters: lighting things on fire in the middle of an intersection( bonus phases if those things arent yours ), streaking through as many high school graduations as you can hit in a single weekend, or, best yet, punching anyone in the face you learn wearing crocs in public. If you dont go to jail, you didnt do it right.

Libra

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Libras love drugs. Dont fight me on this. If youre a Libra and youre reading this and thinking but I dont like medications! its simply because you havent done the right ones yet. Luckily for you, your horoscope has a answer: do all the medications this weekend. Literally every one you can get your hand on. Im not personally telling you to start huffing that condensed air that people use to clean their keyboards, but according to the few episodes of Intervention Ive realized, its a crowd pleaser. Extra benefit: itll likely be less toxic than the air were all going to be inhaling soon.

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Sagittarius

Have you ever been called a man-eater in their own lives, Sagittarius? You likely have, because youre a woman who has espoused her sexuality in this patriarchal hellhole that “were living in”. Its a hard life to live, but it doesnt have to be. This weekend, why not fully embrace the title and literally start eating humankinds. Remember Jennifers Body? Thats the vibe were going for here. Since this God abandons Mermaid trend will likely be the only thing to survive the coming cataclysm, its hour for the for all of us to set our fund where our Instagrams are. Except in this case youre one of those frightening mermaids who lures sailors into the ocean and then drowned them. You can still have flowing mane and iridescent scalp, though. Get you a mermaid who can do both.

Capricorn

Youve ever enjoyed the finer things in life, Capricorn. Its genuinely admirable. Sadly for you, those finer things are in low render. In this case, finer things mean breathable air and drinkable sea, but you get it. This weekend, revel in the dying days of luxury by investing your entire lifes savings on things you dont require. Im serious. Were talking all of it. Fancy clothes. Extravagant food. Alcohol that is so expensive that it actually tastes good. Do it all. Eat every part of avocado toast you can find, because its not like any of us are living long enough to buy homes anyways. If you arent diagnosed with gout by Monday, you arent living your best life.

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Aquarius

Youve been known to suffer from a bit of a God Complex, Aquarius. At least thats what people tell you while you dont listen to them and ruminate on how truly magnificent you are. Instead of fighting the label, fully embrace it. Nothing says I am the omnipotent sovereign of all that I learn, like acting out a full blown purge on your city this weekend. Honestly, all it would take is a few fliers and a well-written Craigslist post to garner the support of the people because, at this point , none of us are all that stable. Then watch from the safest rooftop you can find as your home and all those who occupy it burn to the ground. Fear not, the rest of the world will soon follow.

Pisces

Youve always been considered the quiet one of the horoscope, Pisces. Daydreamers who leave all their energy for things that they are able to never quite happen. It might voice sad, but it genuinely doesnt have to be. In this new world, where the President of the United States renounces the role of world leader and instead treats his country like a sadistic game of Sims, anything is possible. This weekend, its hour for you to follow your dreams in the most extreme measurements possible. Empty your bank accounts. Move to a big city. Recognize its not all its cracked up to be. Further realize that reality will never quite match up to your dreams. Lose hope. Spiral into full blown existential fright. Become a nomad who boozes 40 s on the street and tells strangers that were all simply hollering into the void. Demonstrate them right when the void quite literally opens up in the middle of the country and swallows us all whole. Feel corroborated in your final moments that you at least put yourself out there. Let the darkness ensue.

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